Posted this on my other blog before when this wouldn’t work.
I don’t know where to start or how to explain so this will be a bit of a mess. But my dad and I fought again at dinner tonight and he got so mad at me that he charged at me and smacked the plate I was bringing to the dishwater all across the kitchen and went to grab at my glass and he was so mad and I actually genuinely thought he was going to slap me or shove me into the table or something and I’ve never been that scared before in my life. And it seems like we can’t even go two days without fighting anymore and it’s ridiculous. And my mom didn’t even try and defend me after he smacked the plate. She just said I was talking back and I never know when to drop it and etc. and sent me to my room. I didn’t even do anything and that’s always why we get in such huge arguments over nothing because he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t even try to understand. He always thinks that I’m saying things in a mean way or that I’m trying to start an argument when I’m not. And he says that’s my fault because I’ve developed this reputation and the only way to get rid of it to be extra nice and pleasant and he says it in the fucking most annoying tone of voice like he’s talking to a fucking two year old and oh my god I hate it. And he gives me the same fucking speech everytime. And this time he decided to flip a shit because I used the word fucking. I didn’t even say fuck you or anything at him. I just told Meghan (who was using her bitchy tone of voice so well like you’re so stupid what are you talking about) that she should stop being bitchy and deal with it because it’s my fucking opinion and he flipped and shit and yelled shut the fuck up. And apparently that’s okay?? Not fair. I just. It’s so frustrating. I know them and how they work so well. My mom is under the impression that I don’t know how angry I’m making him when I know. But I’m not going to just drop it and prevent conflict when I’m RIGHT and haven’t done anything and he’s just stuck in his own fucking world and doesn’t listen to me. I will admit when I’m done something wrong. It’s just that I haven’t because it’s usually about what I meant by what I said. And considering I’m the one that said it, I think I know what I fucking meant. Sorry for “talking back” but I’m a person and I have a opinion and just because you’re my father doesn’t mean you get to shit all over me. Sorry for being the only one of your kids that doesn’t let you be a dick to them. Not sorry for yelling at you when you were being rude about Connor’s GPA. You knew I was right too. But oh god. He just doesn’t understand me and I’m not trying to say that I’m some deep misunderstand special person or anything. It’s just like I talk and he hears what he wants to hear and not what I’m actually saying. And he doesn’t like me and wants me to be this whole different person that I’m not and yeah I’m not perfect but neither are you so shut up. And when I got to my room I was so mad but I didn’t fling a fucking plate across the room two inches from anyone’s face. I cried. And Connor came to check on me first like he always did but I told him to go away because he knows that I always go to my room and cry but I can’t face him while I do it and then I showered and sat down and cried some more and fuck. I was sitting in my room and I just felt like shit and I didn’t know what to do. For a split second I wanted to cut myself. I didn’t and I wouldn’t and I’m squeamish and don’t even know how first off. But I thought that for a split second because I just wanted to feel something other than this shitty thing. I was crying in the shower and gouged myself a bit on the top of my thigh by accident (karma) and it stung and it fucking sucked and yeah no way is that happening and please don’t judge me.And whenever I was sent to my room before or something upsetting happened I’d pray. Or something idk. Like not really praying just like pathetic crying and why does this happen to me can you fix it kind of thing but I don’t believe in God anymore. Only when I feel so fucking shitty that am I able to believe for a short time that something up there must exist and must care about me and my life beause no one else does and that’s the saddest thing. And that’s why I’m an Atheist. Because I am not worthy of being Confirmed and being Catholic when I don’t go to church or believe the stories in the Bible and only pray when I have no one else. That’s not fair. My mom came and gave me a hug but I’m still so upset and crying and this is so stupid and we fight too much and things are getting out of control and I’m a bit scared and I just want someone to love me. And if you read all that please don’t judge and/or view me different I’m sorry I’m a mess